Ramadan Night 8

There will every soul see
(The fruits of) the deeds
It sent before: They will
Be brought back to Allah
Their rightful Lord.
And their invented falsehoods
Will leave them in the lurch.
S.10 A.30

"The deeds it sent before" - I had never thought about it in quite those terms before, that my deeds were travelling ahead of me, eventually waiting for me. I guess I naively believed we would make it there together and I would have some time to provide context, to explain myself. But that is precisely the point here, any such rationalization on my part would be an extension of the "invented falsehoods" that corrupted my deeds in the first place. Unfortunately, I know a lot about invented falsehoods.

I learned to lie at an early age, and you could say I came by it honestly. My mother, who normally did not lie, would call in for my step-father when he couldn't make into work after a night of drinking. She wasn't telling the truth then,but I never thought of it as a lie. There were more of these cover-ups as the years went by: stories explaining bruises, repossessed cars,leaving town in the middle of the night, long absences of either parent, and the occasional battle scars that couldn't be hid in a locker room. Somewhere in the middle of this continuum, I took over the responsibility for these fabrications;I learned how to lie to friends and strangers with a straight face, right in their eyes.

We moved constantly, and that gave me the opportunity to increase my prevarication.  In each new stop, I either invented exploits, or grossly exaggerated others.  I never felt this was wrong, didn't think it hurt anyone.  But it did, it hurt me in many ways. Once you learn the skill of lying, you rarely retire it.  And I think many of my new friends and acquaintances new I was lying, and I learned to live in a false environment where we were all pretending - me that I was someone else, they that they didn't know better. 

As I got older, I steadily decreased my dishonesty to the point that many people considered me a very honest person, and that satisfaction far exceeded any brief bravado I had reaped from my earlier fantasies.  However, I think there is a second level to the invented falsehoods mentioned in the Koran.  It would be quite awhile before I learned how to expurgate this variety.

 I think anything short of simple proactive honesty falls squarely in this category. Every time I listen to harmful information without protesting, I am being dishonest.  Every time I allow circumstances to unfold that are detrimental to others but beneficial to me, I am guilty of a falsehood. Every time I let others believe things about me that are untrue, I am lying.  Anytime I feel doubtful about my actions, doubtful about the course I am about take, the truth I am about to tell, I have been warned, my soul is in jeopardy. 

Imagine a world, where people were determined to keep things honest, above board.  How many times do we find ourselves in situations where we don't know up from down?  Places where we can trust no one, where we resort to signs, innuendo, and gossip to guide us.  Situations where multiple people are perpetrating invented falsehoods, creating level upon level of deception and treachery.  This is the collective danger of dishonesty, the distorted magnification of lie upon lie. Although these manipulations bring  temporary advantage, temporary gain, they are harbingers of a later fate, a permanent fate. 

Once again, these words challenge me to live past the simple levels of compliance associated with my faith, to confront the complex situations that often dictate my success or failure in earthly matters, knowing full well that each action, each thought is racing ahead of me to wait for me in a place where there will be no ambiguity, no shades of gray, only honest judgement.  I would like to compose my own broadcast, like to know what is waiting for me then, like to know with the peace of mind of a man confident in his legacy.