Forgiveness

It is Ramadan, and I am dutifully reading my Koran while examining my faith.  It has been a wonderul and cathartic process.  I have pondered on so many issues, some theoretically, some practically, some very personally.  I know that this is not just a month's enterprise, I am sure I will continue to read and reflect daily - that die has been cast :) 

One theme that appears over and over again is that of forgiveness.  I have seen how God forgives us, and I have seen how He counsels us to forgive each other.  They are beautiful lessons, and truly the major source of hope for us, for our future. How wonderful would it be to be able to put down something very painful, something you carry that plagues you everyday?  I have thought a lot about forgiveness this month, and I have realized I know so little of the process.

Growing up, forgiveness wasn't an issue, forgetting was the prime directive.  We ignored our injuries and never processed them, never discussed them. Each morning the world began anew, but spun faithfully to the same conclusion.  Perhaps you cannot forgive that which never ceases - you can only forgive the past, and if the past never changes, it is not the past. 

There are different sins and wrongs to forgive I suppose, though I never thought of weighing them to determine the  depth of the prescribed process or the mandatory term required before forgiveness can be granted.  It is also very likely that I have never considered or acknowledged the depth and breadth of my injury, knowing only then how to cleanse it. I do know that I have been hurt, and I spend most of my energy trying to suspend, delay, abate, and distract the reoccurring pain.

There is yet another dimension to forgiveness that I am just now facing: How do you forgive someone who thinks that they have not wronged you?  It's not just an issue of failed closure or disavowed injury, it potentially threatens the nature of reality itself. Having someone deny the legitimacy of your pain, particularly someone you loved, inflicts a newer, harsher version.  These layers of pain then become virtually impossible to manage. Once I have headed down this road, it has been very difficult to find a healthy way back.  

There is another alternative though, perhaps the only alternative for me now.  Perhaps it is time to consider the possibility that there is nothing to forgive, for I have not been wronged. Any pain and suffering I am feeling is of my own accord, my own manufacture.  The longer I ignore this plausible truth, the higher I pile my fantasies of pain until I construct my own mythology of suffering, becoming a comical figure in my own tradgedy.  And all the while, my vain efforts to extract apology and guilt from my "tormentor" might just be the only real injury inflicted, inflicted on someone I once professed to love. I arrive then, at the nadir where I am languishing in self-pity while a friend moves away, more saddened at my demise than my cruel attempts to punish her.

I choose to embrace this new reality, the reality of my own actions and their stubborn consequences. I am no longer the victim of my friends and lovers, nor will I punish them with my own injury. I am not free of the need for forgiveness though, and eventually I will grant it to myself. For all of you that I have hurt through the years, I am sorry, and I promise not to punish you further for my fabricated pain.