How to Survive Arab
Hospitality
This is a short, informative guide for anyone fortunate
enough to find themselves in the clutches of Arab Hospitality. I should note,
before I begin, that there is no group of people on the earth who understand
the concept of hospitality as thoroughly as do Arabs. If there is a hospitality
gene, they all have it. If you are a control freak, are on a diet, or plan a
quick escape from the engagement, run for your life when invited out by and
Arab. I have fought the hospitality wars, gleefully losing most, for nigh on
30+ years now. If you do find yourself in the perilous but fortunate position of accepting
hospitality from an Arab, here is some advice:
1.
Check Wars – The greatest folly of all, is
thinking that you will be able out duel and Arab for a dinner check! Like most
nearly impossible tasks, it is best to take an indirect route to the problem.
Tackling it head on will invoke a level of histrionics you will not be prepared
for. My suggestion is simple: Find out early where you are going to eat, take
an independent trip to the restaurant several hours before, give your credit
card to the appropriate person, and make sure they fear you more than any
protests that may follow later.
2. Coffee – If you are invited just for coffee, it still
may be a prolonged engagement. Usually, coffee means more than one kind of
coffee (Arab/Turkish then American, then sometimes more Arab/Turkish later),
water, juice, your own plate of fruit with a knife, then dessert. Two hours is
a conservative estimate if you are planning the rest of your evening elsewhere,
and you are highly skilled.
3. The One-Quarter Rule – I should mention before I
continue, that you will eat more than you expect to eat, no matter what
happens. I do have some advice about tempo and distribution though. Often, you
will get a big plate of food with several other small bowls of yogurt, sauces,
olives and pickles, etc. If the mountain of food you are initially presented
will be enough (or more than enough), then be careful how you manage your meal.
I like to observe the ¼ rule, although you might even want to adhere to a ½ rule
until you become more savvy. It is pretty simple really – as you eat your food,
do not focus on one item and diminish it too greatly. This is a red flag for
your host and the entire vessel and/or space will be immediately refilled.
There is an honest logic here: you must really love that item, therefore you
need more. You should also slow way down, distract your hosts as much as
possible from your plate(s), and eat your food evenly. Starting to grunt or
grown appreciatively about half-way through is the beginning of a good exit
plan. You can tell your hosts how wonderful EVERYTHING is, but if you single
out an item, it will be replenished, even if you still possess a great deal of
the original portion. Patience, platitudes, and a bit of subterfuge can help
you win the day.
4. Direct Eye Contact – This is a cousin of #3.
When you are eating, keep a close eye on everyone within three feet of you
(this is the “we will put food on your plate at any moment” radius). Try to
keep constant eye contact with these folks. When you see them looking at your
plate searching for refueling points, distract them before they start to reach
for the big spoon or spatula. Once again, grunting and groaning is a good
strategy at this moment; even rubbing your belly and sighing wistfully helps. If you do not keep a close eye on these guardians, you
will find sporadic deposits (quite large) heaped upon your plate just as you
are beginning to see daylight…………
5. Exiting – This is the holy grail of survival
skills when visiting Arab hosts. I should be clear that the experience is
always wonderful, but knowing when to end it can be tricky. First of all,
review #2; no matter what you are invited for, there will be multiple courses. I
don’t often feel like I want to escape (other than to avoid more food
sometimes), because the company is genuine and I am being honored greatly
during the experience. Nevertheless, all good things must come to an end
eventually. Traditional strategies don’t always work here. For instance, you
may want to casually mention that you have to be somewhere at 7. There is a
good chance this will be interpreted as “we really don’t need to start thinking
of ending until after 7.” These engagements are a matter of fate, so you must
let them run their course. There is a point, however, that you can act upon –
once all the courses have been completed and you have had the last round of
coffee, you can stretch, moan, compliment your host profusely and mention that
you must go soon. You have to be careful with this though. Knowing when the
last course has arrived can be tricky. There is a good chance there is a crew
in the kitchen assiduously preparing each installment and the time between
courses may vary. Usually, a coffee after dessert can be counted upon, but there will be continued offers of other things (the difference at this point is that these offers won't appear as did everything else previous until you say yes). Your
hosts will absolutely never tell you it’s time to go, and they won’t mind
sitting around late worldlessly bonding. At the right moment, you can control
your destiny. Keep in mind also that the exit will not be quick. There will be
a lot of thank you’s (them to you somehow), offers of giant care packages, and
sincere good byes. I often find myself saying “this is the best meal I can
remember” because it was. Every time I eat at an Arab friend’s house, the food
has been unique, the company genuine and warm, and I have been treated like a
guest has been treated for a thousand years (maybe more). I never dread these
invitations, but I do prepare for them J
Final Words – If you get a chance to visit an Arab family for
coffee or dinner, consider yourself lucky and blessed. I have never experienced such
an authentic communion as I have with my Arab friends (there are no Arab
strangers btw)
