Eid Mubarak

It is Eid, alhamdulila!  For the first time in my five years as a Muslim, I did not wish the holiday to come too quickly - I really enjoyed Ramadan, fasting, reading, writing, and my fellowship with many of you.  I am so blessed this year, and I am very thankful to God and my Muslim community.  In most years, I suppose I would be very down about my present circumstances, but not this year.  I have been refocused on my blessings, and they are many!

It may sound suspicious and strange, but I have really made some great strides these past thirty days, maybe even some life changes. I move through my days as a Muslim man now, not only thinking about my conduct, but enjoying the feeling I have as I treat myself and others with respect. I don't feel self-righteous, nor do I compare myself with others - I simply feel good in my own skin for the first time in my life.  I don't feel the need to boast about my new condition, but I do enjoy the few discussions I have with others who are genuinely interested in my faith.  

This Eid is so much more than the culmination of a holy month for me this year. It is the turning point of my life - there have been so many transitions lately, and my faith has brought things together for me.  I am no longer chasing anything, nor am I running from anything else.  I will be happy and grateful no matter where I am, and I pray that Allah keeps or puts me into the right environment to capitalize on my talents and passions.  I can make a difference anywhere, and I will with His grace.

I am smiling now, knowing how slow I am sometimes.  I am thinking about the happiness in my heart, and how so many Muslims have know this for their lifetimes, how every Eid is so profound and joyous, and how I can look forward to such things for the rest of my life.  Now that I have the same things in my heart, I can't wait for Ramadan next year, can't wait to share this with my Muslim brothers and sisters!

Ramadan Night 30

Say: I seek refuge

With the Lord

And cherisher of mankind,

The king (or ruler)

Of mankind,

From the mischief

Of the whisperer

(Of evil), who withdraws

(After his whisper),

(The same) who whispers

Into the hearts of mankind,

Among jinns

And among men.

S.114 A.1-6

This is the last sura of the Koran.  I like the first two lines, "I seek refuge with the Lord."  This has been such a marvelous experience, reading and writing each day of Ramadan.  I am also very excited for Eid, and hope to take a bit of time off of work.  I have emerged from this month with a clear conscience, a lighter heart, and a more encourage outlook for my future.  I know what I want to work on personally, professionally, and spiritually - and I have received a lot of support.

For the first time, I feel I am becoming a Muslim first, and American male second.  This has been very comforting to me.  And instead of alienating me from my culture, things have become less and less confusing, and I find I am not distracted by as much around me as I once was.  I look forward to praying and reading my Koran, and my nights are fare more peaceful.  I would like to thank all of you who have commented on the posts and who have supported me in other ways.  This month has been life-changing in many ways, and I am so grateful.

Thank you all once again, alhamdulilah.

Ramadan Night 29

Say: I seek refuge

With the Lord of the dawn,

From the mischief

Of created things;

From the mischief

Of darkness as it overspreads;

From the mischief

Of those who practise

Secret Arts:

And from the mischief

Of the envious one

As he practises envy.

S.113 A.1-5

I have discussed my need to improve my thoughts and behaviors in great detail this Ramadan, and I have talked about how to deal with friends and peers who aren't always positive - it is time to think about moving away from certain people, certain mentalities. It is not natural for me to think this way, probably because I have worked and affiliated with so many different kinds of people in my life, and to avoid a particular group might seem stand-offish.  But I think I am ready to change my environment and the people within it. 

I don't want to be tolerant to intolerant people anymore.  I don't want to overlook negative comments about my faith in order to be broadminded.  And I don't want to be with people who don't want the world around them to be a better place.  I am gonna change my company.

I am longing to get back to the Third World permanently, and I will make that happen in the near future.  Being recognized this weekend my my hometown for humanitarianism was not the capstone to my career, it was the beginning of an even more passionate one.  I am gonna change my environment too.

Ramadan Night 26

When comes the help
Of God, and victory,

And thou does see

The people enter God's religion
In crowds,
Celebrate the praises
Of thy Lord, and pray
For His forgiveness:
For He is oft-returning

(In grace and mercy).

S.110 A.1-3

I started reading the Koran more than three weeks ago, focusing on very specific issues related to my thoughts and actions.  Now, as I am nearing the last suras, I am thinking more broadly, more comfortable to think about larger concepts like heaven and my final judgement.  Reading through the Koran has been a good exercise for me, as it has allowed me to put my spiritual life in perspective.  I have been challenged to look at many things differently, all of them related to my development.  Knowing what I need to do from moment to moment, day to day, year to year has made me far more comfortable and confident.  As I continue to study and pray, the concept of heaven becomes more and more real, and I think about it more.  Years ago, the thought of an afterlife had no appeal to me, now it is becoming a logical motivator for me, a logical extension of my faith.

Ramadan Night 25 - The Eighth Entry

To thee have We
Granted the abundance.
Therefore to thy Lord
Turn in prayer
And sacrifice.
For he who hateth thee,
He will be cut off
(From future hope).
S.108 A.1-3

I have mentioned several times that I am grateful for the goodness God had laid in my heart, but I haven't given Him proper praise for the lack of hatred in my heart also.  I have never harbored hate in my heart for anyone, though there has been resentment and pain.  I also may not forgive as quickly as I should, but I do not hate. I do not wish harm to anyone, at least not longer than an impulse that I shut down harshly a few seconds later.  I have been hated, I think, and I have marvelled at the energy it requires.  Hatred seems so incompatible with everything else I want in my heart - love, forgiveness, charity, and hope. I am blessed I know, and I pray that I never learn the lesson of hatred, knowing I would never put it down if I did. 

Ramadan Night 25 - The Seventh Post

Seest thou one
Who denies the judgement
(To come)?
Then such is the one
Who repulses the orphan,
And encourages not
The feeding of the indigent.
So woe to the worshippers
Who are neglectful
Of their prayers,
Those who (want but)
To be seen,
But refuse (to supply)
(Even) neighbourly needs.
S.107 A.1-7

I have talked about many of these elements, many times.  There is something new here, something very critical to me now - "Those who (want but) to be seen."  This is a new kind of vanity that might tempt me if I am not careful, the vanity of being seen as an "outstanding" Muslim.  I am not being flippant, I am referring to the temptation to profess the right deeds, the right thoughts to be held in higher esteem amongst my peers, my coworkers, the men at the mosque, anyone. There is often a thin line between wanting to be pious and chaste, and wanting to be recognized for it.  I know that line is near, and I want to be careful.  I have sensed this line since I have been writing these posts this Ramadan, knowing that I am working very hard and focusing very narrowly on many topics.  I have declared my intention to change behaviors and thoughts, and I have made many resolutions.  I know if anyone read these consecutively, they would see that "outstanding" Muslim I fear.  I hope it is clear that these are individual reflections, and I will revisit them to continue my development.  I will stumble, and I will keep coming back to them. I don't speak of these things outside this blog, and I never will.  I do hope though that I am eventually seen as a "good" Muslim, for the right reasons.  

Ramadan Night 25 - The Sixth Entry

For the covenants
(Of security and safeguard
Enjoyed) but the Quraish,
Their covenants (covering) journeys
By winter and summer,
Let them adore the Lord
Of this House,
Who provided them

With food against hunger,

And with security

Against fear (of danger).

S.106 A.1-4

I often heard my Yemeni friends refer to this sura, as either the Quraish were of Yemeni descent, or that they traveled through the region extensively. I think this relates to me now in that if I conduct myself honorably and as a good Muslim, then I too will enjoy such hospitality in my earthly environment. I think a lot more lately, about my conduct and more importantly, about the thoughts and motivations behind my actions.  Not only do I want them to be viewed positively, I want them to be genuine.  I know that if I improve the way I deal with people, it will make my world better, and theirs too.  This is my new focus, not just some temporary goal that needs to be pounded out, but the care and welfare of those around me who will ultimately help me with my tasks. 

Ramadan Night 25 - The Fifth Entry

Then did He make them

Like an empty field

Of stalks and straw,

(Of which the corn)

Has been eaten up.

S.105 A.5

 

I realize this relates to the consequences of hubris and defiance of God.  Whatever I think I am building or accumulating will be devastated, if it is not done in deference to His plans or it is against His guidance.  This is a simple and stark reminder of the unfailing justice we will face if we are not true to God.  I shudder to think that my soul might be laid so stark and so barren!

 

Ramadan Night 25 - The Fourth Entry

Woe to every
(Kind of) scandal-monger
And backbiter,
Who pileth up wealth
And layeth it by,
Thinking that his wealth
Would make him last
For ever!
S.104 A.1-4

I have to sort this verse out carefully. I am not sure I had reached the status of "scandal-monger" or "backbiter", but I did deal in gossip and negativity. And though I never piled up any wealth to speak of, I guess I gained other kinds of capital through my actions, other types of political advantage.  Those ill-gotten gains did not curry me long-term favor or benefit, much as this verse says. I will think more closely about what I am trying to acquire, why, and by what means. What I want, why I want it, how I will choose to get it?  Good questions! 

Ramadan Night 25 - The Third Entry

By (the token of)

Time (through the ages),

Verily man

Is in loss,

Except such as have faith,

And do righteous deeds,

And (join together)

In the mutual teaching

Of truth, and of

Patience and constancy.

S.103 A.1-3

 

This verse is the entire sura, and I could write more about it than the previous 102 combined - dont' worry, I won't. "Is in loss" caught my eye first - I have been lost so long, I am not sure I can remember even looking for a path back, growing accustomed to the relative strangeness about me. Converting cleared my vision though, and for the first time, I saw what I wanted to become.  I have plenty of guidance now, and the confidence that God wants me to succeed  -  I am not where I want to be, but I am no longer lost.

I love the reference to joining together!  To often, I focus on my relationship to God's word, sometimes even losing God in the equation, let alone sharing these issues of faith with other Muslims. I long to do this, but don't know how.  Maybe these posts are my first attempt. 

Children of abuse learn to turn inward quickly, and I was quicker than most.  Most of my world has been lived in my own head, most of my experiences in my own heart. I have been told so many times that I immediately bring people into me, only to let them partially in.  I have lost the few people I have let in further, and then have been left with no one to share the pain.  I think there comes a time when it is no longer a matter of wanting to share things with people, when you cannot even imagine how.  This is not an appeal for a sympathetic comment :) rather the analysis of someone yearning to learn how to "join together" for the first time in his life.

I feel really good about my faith and my journey to God, and I would like to commune with others and share this joy.  I need to learn how to do this, how to open up to others. This will be my new task after Eid, one that will require a lot of patience and guidance.  If you are reading this, you are welcome to help..........

*My friends -  Today is a beautiful day, partly because you are in it! 

 

 

Ramadan Night 25 - The Second Entry

Again, ye shall see it
With certainty of sight!
Then, shall ye be
Questioned that day
About the joy
(Ye indulged in!)

S.102 A.7-8

Many of these verses "reframe" my thoughts - this is another.  I can honestly say that I feel good about the things I take joy in:  I take joy in helping others, I take joy in seeing my students smile, I take joy in helping a friend, I take joy in wishing an old friend happiness in a new life, I take joy in listening to my daughters ramble on for an hour about things I don't understand, I take joy in reading my Koran and "getting something", and I take joy in the fact that I am a decent Muslim.  Many of the verses I read challenge me greatly, some please my heart - this is an example of the latter.

Ramadan Night 25

Then, he whose
Balance (of good deeds)
Will be (found) heavy,
Will be in a life
Of good pleasure and satisfaction.
But he whose
Balance (of good deeds)
Will be (found) light,
Will have his home
In a (bottomless) pit.
S.101 A.6-9

There is a very important message here for me, that of balance.  I have a tendency to focus too much on my negative thoughts and actions, not giving enough credit to the positive, especially when examining my past.  For now, my plan is simple - ten good actions, ten good thoughts for every bad.  Figuring I can live another forty years, I should be ok...........:)

Ramadan Night 24 - The Thirteenth Entry

And that which is
(Locked up) in (human) breasts
Is made manifest,
That their Lord had been
Well-acquainted with them,
(Even to) that Day?
S.100 A.10-11

This is a reccuring theme - God knows my heart now, and will judge it later.  I am getting more and more comfortable knowing God has access to all the regions of my heart.  Knowing that He does, and I am not already doomed to hell, gives me more courage to face the few things I have kept buried for so long. Not to be flip, but God and I are working on this - I don't know about letting anyone else in this far.  I am a bit overwhelmed honestly, ashamed of what God sees, afraid to look myself sometimes, and terrified that it will drive away anyone who might try to love me. 

Perhaps I just need to keep things closed down for awhile until I can make my heart a better place, at least for human habitation.

*My friends - I haven't forgotten you, and I am praying :)  

Ramadan Night 24 - The Twelfth Entry

On that day will men
Proceed in companies sorted out,
To be shown the deeds
That they (had done).
Then shall anyone who
Has done an atom's weight
Of good, see it!
And anyone who
Has done an atom's weight
Of evil, shall see it.

S.99 A.6-8

My old self read this first, and was pretty dismayed - "an atom's weight of evil?" - I could spend a dozen lifetimes repaying that kind of sin! But then I took a deep breath, remembered so many who have shown faith in me recently, who have offered their support, and I reread the verse. "An atom's weight of good" caught my eye - I know I have done good things, and I know that God has planted far more than an atom's weight of goodness in my heart. I need to give myself more credit, and to build on what I have done well in the past, not to simply try to raze it all and begin again.  I don't know how much more atonement is in order for me to bring my scales back to balance, and I don't think I care.  If I could live only one more day, and I knew that there was not enough time to regain my soul, I would still live it as a good Muslim.  Each new day as a good man is worth a thousand liftetimes of the man I once was.   

Ramadan Night 24 - The Eleventh Entry

Their reward is with God:
Gardens of eternity,
Beneath which rivers flow;
They will dwell therein
For ever; God well pleased
With them, and they with Him:
All this for such as
Fear their Lord and Cherisher.

S.98 A.8

The more I read, the more I pray, the more I examine my heart as a Muslim, the more I begin to understand the appeal of heaven. I truly believe my poor self-esteem made me reject the notion of heaven as I did not feel I would ever be deserving.  That turned into some sort of self-righteous indignation about the exclusivity of the after-life, and I spiraled down from there. But now a new feeling is rising.  I recognize that which I read in this holy book as what I am beginning to feel in my heart.  Heaven will not be a reward I do not deserve, but a logical continuation of the progress I am making in my heart.  I want my heart to reflect the beauty of heaven, and I pray I have enough time to make it so.

Ramadan Night 24 - The Tenth Entry - The Night of Power

We have indeed revealed
This (Message)
In the Night of Power:
And what will explain
To thee what the Night
Of Power is?
The Night of Power
Is better than
A thousand months.
Therein come down
The angels and the Spirit
By God's permission,
On every errand:
Peace!....This
Until the rise of the moon!
S.97 A. 1-5

I am so excited to be in the last ten days of Ramadan!  The Night of Power. This has been a wonderful month for me, and it keeps getting better.  I have fasted faithfully with a true understanding of the discipline; I have prayed more vigilantly; my daughter has been here with me for three weeks; and I have spent dozens of hours with my Koran.  I have never been this tuned into Ramadan as I have been this month - and I know it will only get better in the years to come.  I began the month with a heavy heart, and now I am free of that burden. I have also been able to help several of my brothers and sisters this month with transitions and distress.  God is truly merciful!

My month is ending with two blessings, and I am so grateful.  On Saturday, I will get to play in a charity golf tournament supporting a cause I have given years of my effort to and that I love.  The day before, I will travel to my hometown to be inducted into my high school's Hall of Honor for my humanitarian work.  I cannot tell you how humble and blessed I am feeling.  Although I will spend much of Eid al Fitr alone again this year, I won't be alone.  I will spend the day rereading my 114 posts, praying, and visiting the mosque.  I will be thinking of family, and old and new friends, praying for their happiness and success.  God is generous indeed!

*My friends - A special prayer ten times over each ten days.

   

Ramadan Night 24 - The Ninth Entry

Nay, but man doth
Transgress all bounds,
In that he looketh
Upon himself as self-sufficient.
Verily, to thy Lord
Is the return (of all).
Seest thou one
Who forbids
A votary when he
(Turns) to pray?
Seest thou if
He is on (the road
Of) Guidance?
Or enjoins righteousness?
S.96 A.6-12

I think this is describing the type of non-believer I was becoming.  I had cast off God, thinking myself self-sufficient in my arrogance.  I am not sure why I ended up in that place, perhaps I was only interested in a relationship with God on my own terms, and when that did not materialize, I turned away like a spoiled child, pretending myself injured.  I stayed quietly in that place for a long time, but then I began to enjoin people of faith in debate, but not with good faith myself.  I have talked before about the relative ease with which you can criticize and attack a specific doctrine or faith.  I think I did so gleefully, with no intent of coming to a truth, just something to play with in my misery.  I am deeply ashamed of this.

I am more ashamed as I read this verse, and I pray my irreverence never lead to the inhibition or prohibition of a votary and his/her faith.  I would like to believe that I was too superficial and they too deep for that to have happened.  But if I did lead someone to doubt their faith, I could ask no forgiveness for that sin.

I am careful now, how I speak to people about faith, especially as I have found mine.  I am respectful, and I only join discussions that are free and designed to share not divide.  I love talking to people of faith, any faith as it bolsters mine.  If I met my old self today, I would smile sadly, and walk away as he jabbered nonsense in the wind.
*To my friends - I pray you see the beauty in your hearts, and you know that any pain there is fleeting, as it cannot stand the goodness it tries to infect. 

Ramadan Night 24 - The Eighth Entry

We have indeed created man
In the best of mould,
Then do We abase him
(To be) the lowest
Of the low,
Except such as believe
And do righteous deeds:
For they shall have
A reward unfailing.
S.95 A.4-6

The things I always believed made me free, we also those that have brought me pain and nearly lost me my soul.  God gave me breath and then gave me the option to deny it.  He gave me goodness and grace, then gave me the choice to squander them.  God gave me the Koran, then let me choose whether or not to open it.  God then directed  my eyes to the world around me, the pain and misery of others, then asked me if I would rather close them.  I have failed at many of these crossroads, many times.  But the last freedom I have been provided, is the freedom to try again, the freedom to return to God and His blessings with an open heart.  This is my choice, my priority in freedom.

*A second prayer for my friends - I pray that God touches your hearts and soothes the scars that men have wrought.

Ramadan Night 24 - The Seventh Entry

Have We not
Expanded thee thy breast?
And removed from thee
Thy burden
The which did gall
Thy back?
And raised high the esteem
(In which) thou (art held)?
So, verily
With every difficulty,
There is relief:

Verily, with every difficulty

There is a relief
Therefore, when thou art
Free (from thine immediate task),
Still labour hard,

And so thy Lord

Turn(all) thy attention.
S.94 A.1-8

There are two levels of this verse for me - the first relates to how God raised man from His common animals, and the second advises us how to deal with the advancement.  God has expanded our breast, given us hearts that feel things other animals cannot apprehend, things that are beautiful and things that are terrible. This heightened sensitivity to our hearts brings us much pain at times, and there is solace here in this verse, if we can but accept it.

I have two friends who are suffering a lot of pain these days, suffering from their heightened hearts. Perhaps that is the price we pay to own these hearts.  I pray they find relief from the agony they feel, I pray they can let Allah grant them release.  This will be my prayer these last several nights of Ramadan, I pray they can lay their burdens down and turn their attention to the Lord. 

Ramadan Night 24 - The Sixth Entry

Did He not find thee
An orphan and give thee
Shelter (and care)?
And He found thee
Wandering, and He gave
Thee guidance.
And He found thee
In need, and made
Thee independent.
Therefore, treat not
The orphan with harshness,
Nor repulse him
Who asks;
But the bounty
Of thy Lord
Rehearse and proclaim!
S.93 A.6-11

Never has God spoken to me more directly and specifically than here. I was an orphan, though I knew my parents; I was wandering though I thought myself grounded; and I was needy yet had no needs. I have been an orphan in so many ways, and I have been rescued and provided for. But I do things backwards - I had to help other "orphans" before I could allow myself to be helped. Sometimes you have to learn how to help before you can be helped.  Now as I help anyone (we all may be orphans) I am returning my blessings.  If God could take pity on me, who could I not?