Behold! they fold up
Their hearts, that they may lie
Hid from Him! Ah! even
When they cover themselves
With their garments, He knoweth
What they conceal, and what
They reveal: for He knoweth
Well the (inmost secrets)
Of the hearts.
S. 11 A. 5
On my thirty day exploration of the Holy Koran, I might have come across this admonition a bit prematurely. Prematurely in that I am not sure I have reached the proper, honest level of introspection needed to tackle this verse - God knows my heart? He is in there? To this point, I was content in the knowledge that He had left me a few good and decent things there, but to know He has unfailing access is overwhelming. I don't yet love my heart, and until I do, it is not a fitting place for my Lord.
Does He know how hard I have to struggle to pacify this jealous and petty organ? Does He see the battles I wage to keep a simple, virtuous sentiment from slipping away at the first sign of adversity? Is He aware of the maintenance I must do just to claim the status of a human heart? There are ugly and improper things in there, and if He has visited, I cannot understand why He would wish to return. I was far more comfortable an hour ago, before I read this verse, when I thought I could work on my heart and present it to Him properly when I had made it suitable, when I had made it whole. The prospect that He is watching the process is terrifying.
I suppose too, that the "garments" I have covered my heart in were meant to shield me from His vision, much in the same way they had shielded me from my family, my friends, my loved ones. I cloaked myself in the garments of hard work, good deeds, and gentle platitudes - projecting a distorted hologram of my heart.
Perhaps I have always known He was with me, for even when I was praised or lauded for these manifestations attributed to my heart, I was never comfortable receiving the acknowledgement, never feeling worthy. Perhaps it is the shame I feel for squandering the simple gifts He had given me, for failing to nurture them properly. God has tested me greatly today, and I will need some more time before I answer Him.
Michael, God is always with us. He is closer than our thoughts...and trust me HE likes what is in your heart, He knows well what does it mean to be human... how difficult it is to struggle one's own self. That struggle is sign that you are trying hard to follow His path. He is very proud of you.. He is helping you in your struggle...He will reward you far more than you ever dreamed possible(enshallah).
ReplyDelete"When the slave comes towards Me a hand-span, I go an arm-length towards him. When he comes towards Me an arm-length, I go a fathom towards him. When he comes towards Me walking, I go towards him running."
ReplyDelete[al-Bukhari]
Thank you, I do realize this in my mind, it is the heart that is slow to catch up :) What a beautiful hadith! Thank you.
ReplyDelete