Behold! they fold up
Their hearts, that they may lie
Hid from Him! Ah! even
When they cover themselves
With their garments, He knoweth
What they conceal, and what
They reveal: for He knoweth
Well the (inmost secrets)
Of the hearts.
S. 11 A. 5
On my thirty day exploration of the Holy Koran, I might have come across this admonition a bit prematurely. Prematurely in that I am not sure I have reached the proper, honest level of introspection needed to tackle this verse - God knows my heart? He is in there? To this point, I was content in the knowledge that He had left me a few good and decent things there, but to know He has unfailing access is overwhelming. I don't yet love my heart, and until I do, it is not a fitting place for my Lord.
Does He know how hard I have to struggle to pacify this jealous and petty organ? Does He see the battles I wage to keep a simple, virtuous sentiment from slipping away at the first sign of adversity? Is He aware of the maintenance I must do just to claim the status of a human heart? There are ugly and improper things in there, and if He has visited, I cannot understand why He would wish to return. I was far more comfortable an hour ago, before I read this verse, when I thought I could work on my heart and present it to Him properly when I had made it suitable, when I had made it whole. The prospect that He is watching the process is terrifying.
I suppose too, that the "garments" I have covered my heart in were meant to shield me from His vision, much in the same way they had shielded me from my family, my friends, my loved ones. I cloaked myself in the garments of hard work, good deeds, and gentle platitudes - projecting a distorted hologram of my heart.
Perhaps I have always known He was with me, for even when I was praised or lauded for these manifestations attributed to my heart, I was never comfortable receiving the acknowledgement, never feeling worthy. Perhaps it is the shame I feel for squandering the simple gifts He had given me, for failing to nurture them properly. God has tested me greatly today, and I will need some more time before I answer Him.
