Into my second week of improving communication with others, I am still getting some disturbing feedback. Today I was in a very large meeting with peers I haven't seen in months. On several occasions throughout the day, someone sidled up to me and whispered something negative about someone else in the room. They did this because they thought they had a kindred spirit, and that I would appreciate it. I learned that this reform effort was going to be far more complicated than I had thought.
Just stop gossiping, stop being negative about others, and your environment will be much healthier - so I thought. Now I know I can't just walk away from that behavior, it is following me. There was a bit of progress however, as I did not respond in kind to these folks, but I have to formulate a strategy to respond to the calumny I have engendered. The exchanges were awkward, and I am worried they might have thought I no longer cared about them, or that I was upset. To be honest, I was not upset with them at all, it was my own doing. It might even be that they are not as naturally inclined to this base behavior as I, and I had not uncovered this in them, but I had created it. I made sure that I connected with them a few more times, and will continue to do so until we find a new foundation to build our relationships on.
I mentioned a bit of progress, but there is a long way to go. I did not engage my colleagues negatively, but I still wanted to hear what they said, and a witty, pointed remark made it all the way to my lips. Controlling my comments is just the first stage, I want my mind to find these exchanges repugnant, I want every bit of this perverse pleasure erased from my emotional memory. I don't want to hurt people, directly or vicariously, and I want my satisfaction to come from good things, good thoughts. I have a long way to go.
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