My Progress Continues?

Into my second week of improving communication with others, I am still getting some disturbing feedback.  Today I was in a very large meeting with peers I haven't seen in months. On several occasions throughout the day, someone sidled up to me and whispered something negative about someone else in the room.  They did this because they thought they had a kindred spirit, and that I would appreciate it. I learned that this reform effort was going to be far more complicated than I had thought.  

Just stop gossiping, stop being negative about others, and your environment will be much healthier - so I thought.  Now I know I can't just walk away from that behavior, it is following me. There was a bit of progress however, as I did not respond in kind to these folks, but I have to formulate a strategy to respond to the calumny I have engendered.  The exchanges were awkward, and I am worried they might have thought I no longer cared about them, or that I was upset.  To be honest, I was not upset with them at all, it was my own doing.  It might even be that they are not as naturally inclined to this base behavior as I, and I had not uncovered this in them, but I had created it.  I made sure that I connected with them a few more times, and will continue to do so until we find a new foundation to build our relationships on. 

I mentioned a bit of progress, but there is a long way to go.  I did not engage my colleagues negatively, but I still wanted to hear what they said, and a witty, pointed remark made it all the way to my lips.  Controlling my comments is just the first stage, I want my mind to find these exchanges repugnant, I want every bit of this perverse pleasure erased from my emotional memory. I don't want to hurt people, directly or vicariously, and I want my satisfaction to come from good things, good thoughts.  I have a long way to go.

Progress Report

It is now the end of the first week that I have vowed to change my relationships with others, vowed to stop engaging in gossip and other harmful dialogues.  It has been strange, even awkward at times, but when I pray Maghrib prayer I feel so good knowing I have come to my God with a relatively clean heart.  I have also noticed that there a few people I can no longer talk with.  Removing the negative elements left us with no conversation - and I cannot say how shameful that makes me feel, for I know how much I had contributed in the past. How much of my life has been entangled in this ugly anitlocution?  How could I ever believe the occasional good deeds I did ever balanced the terrible legacy I have built, maligning and disparaging other human beings?  I have so much to atone for.

Ramadan Night 17 - The Third Entry

And when they hear vain talk,
They turn away therefrom
And say: "To us our deed,
And to you yours;

Peace be to you: we

Seek not the ignorant."
S.28 A.55

This is a great example where one verse gives me two perspectives to work on:  Not listening to negative talk at all, whether or not I like the source, and to be more tactful when I disengage from someone I am not fond of. I am working on not producing negative comments, or joining in on a bad conversation. This is the next level - avoiding such talk and doing so with grace.  This will not be easy for me, for I have learned a terrible truth: Many people will gravitate to you if you share gossip and slander, they may even appear to love you for it.

I have also found that such talk opens communication, good and bad, but that a virtuous stance shuts a lot of doors. Not having information is difficult, and closing conduits, no matter how detrimental, can isolate one. Being out of the loop is lonely, but far out shadowed by the damage aversive affiliation  brings.  This will be a big change for me, learning how to operate without ill gotten information, but I am determined to continue to regain my integrity whether or not it hampers me.  And I don't think it will deter me for long, for as hard as integrity is to purchase and maintain, it makes a wonderful pillow to lay my head upon each night.