Sunday, July 31, 2011

When the Port Becomes the Storm


There is a certain singular danger in falling in love with a friend, particularly a good one. Friends and lovers provide love and support, and no one consort should hold all the keys to your  heart and provide all the shelter from your storms.
Having one person have so much access to you is comforting and natural,knowing where to run to in times of distress is invaluable. But it is wise to distribute some of that weight to other friends, other acquaintances. I have made mistakes in this area, and the result has not been good - not in the sense of personal pain it caused me, but in the unattractive defenses I have put up. Defenses I don't believe are part of my natural character, but in the end, the things I will be judged upon.
I think I made matters much worse by taking a very long time before I truly opened up to someone, let them in, put all my fences down. It was beautiful and it was painful, I knew peace and ecstasy, and I knew torment and pain. She became my confidant, and I talked to her about everything. She was the only person I had known that I could tell anything to, no matter how embarrassing, not worried that she would judge me. She was wonderful that way. Things were never perfect between us, neither of us was perfect, but we worked on it. Gradually, things began to erode, and we watched our relationship die over several years. When the time came to finally put it all down, I was lost. The person who I needed to run to for shelter was the storm that I was fleeing.
I didn't know how to deal with her. I was angry, and I was in love; I was hurt, and I continued to hurt; I needed her to be kind and soft with me, and I needed to make her understand how she had hurt me; I needed to have someone on my side, and I needed to be angry with her. It was not my best time.
Of course all this pushing made her more resolved to put distance between us understandably. I mistook that for callousness and I dug myself deeper in my self-pitying hole. Meanwhile, there were people all around who would have helped me, but I had no way of letting them in. I said things I didn't want to say, desperately trying to deal with my loss with the one person I had no business talking to. Eventually, I gave up, and did not contact her again.
She had developed a better support system than I, and had acquitted herself with more dignity than did I. I envy her for that. Before, I thought it was a measure of her lack of caring, lack of love. I know differently now. I am not sorry for the relationship, nor that it ended and she has gone to happier places. She may never believe I want the best for her, but I really do. I regret I didn't have the mechanisms to deal with things, and I will try to avoid the error in the future.


1 comment:

  1. "The person who I needed to run to for shelter was the storm that I was fleeing...." One of the most difficult and unimaginable moments that one might be through.
    We usually say that this God's plan to realize later that He has chosen the best for us. You will come to a point to know why did the happen to you, will see the positive side of this even though it was so painful. Im sure that God will put in your way a person better than her or at least you see the other person better than the previous one. Just have faith. I know the deep meaning of pain...

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