I pack my trunk, embrace my friends, embark on the sea, and at last wake up in Naples, and there beside me is the Stern Fact, the Sad Self, unrelenting, identical, that I fled from.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
I know a great deal about fleeing, both from and to. I began the moment I was born - we moved from house to house, from relative to relative, from city to city, from state to state. I must have lived in thirty houses and apartments before I left home. I know a great deal about fleeing.
I also know a great deal about fighting. At first, I learned how to survive them, later to finish them, and sadly, how to start them. I never learned how to avoid them however, that is the sin. I didn't learn to avoid them, probably because I always lived in small houses with big problems, nowhere to run. Sometimes I think, "fighting is fun." At least until I remember a John Wayne quote - a man tells him "we were just having a friendly fight" he replies "never been in one of them." And come to think about it, neither have I.
Finally, I know how to forget. Learning not what to remember in my household was as important as learning what to remember. Maybe more so. I learned how to let things go, how to forget rather than forgive. Forgiveness was never a construct we were allowed to develop or embrace. For forgiveness requires processing, patience, and a degree of poise. We had no time for any of that. We fought but couldn't flee each other, couldn't really forgive either. We moved on to new places, pretending things would change. They never did. I realized this at an odd moment one day. Not really being allowed to discuss things about the dynamics, I never really thought about them directly either, for there was no point. My solution was to flee when I was old enough, that day came when I was seventeen. But one day, when I was younger, the rigid nature of it all became very clear to me when I was messing with the family dog, Babbet, a feisty toy poodle. Babbet was perpetually grumpy, and would often snap at everyone except my step-father. She would growl and bite very hard if given a chance. One spring morning, Babbet was on the bed having just received her quarterly hair cut. She looked so nice, so lady-like in a dog way, that I did what I normally would not do - I attempted to pick her up off the bed when she did not want me to. Somehow that new haircut lured me into thinking she had changed, that she was now kind and loving. She bit me particularly hard that day, and I went away with a valuable lesson. People, and their dogs, don't change no matter their appearance, no matter the circumstances. We were the same people with the same issues every time we picked up and left. It's just that we got a short opportunity to feel normal each time we moved on, to pretend we were whatever we wanted to be. It never lasted very long, the truth pried its way out quickly, and we would flee shortly thereafter.
Now, years later, a friend has observed that I have "itchy feet", something that made me think. I am still moving, but I don't know if it is fleeing or not. I wrote out some defense of my latest changes for him, and frankly, I believe most of it is fair and true. On the other hand, I am not sure I had to leave all of the places I have left lately, I could've stayed and worked things out (almost said "fought things out"). My guideline for departure seems to be the point when I am no longer learning from a situation, and I don't have a lot left to give. Usually seems pretty clear to me.
Moving and/or fleeing is also very easy for me as I still have a great deal of energy for my work, and I tend to read situations pretty quickly (a real benefit as a consultant). Starting a new job at the level I work at is thrilling, as it is imperative to get up to speed quickly. Often, I have to make important decisions, virtually as soon as I arrive. I have to learn new systems and the people that inhabit them. It really is invigorating. At times, I view this all as a pollination process: I take ideas, policies, programs with me from place to place, helping to improve the environment while building my own repertoire of skills. But, of course, there are drawbacks, and they are always the same.
I have left a lot of really good friends around the world, and although email and Facebook keep us connected, I don't have that longitudinal support group with me at each new job. I also believe that there is a certain art to keeping things running well, not just establishing them, carving them out of the wilderness. Although I have been in some jobs for years and years, I a cannot say that this long term maintenance is one of my best skills. I can say I want it to be. I can say I am ready to settle down and stay someplace for a long, long time. I am ready not to flee, I am ready to leverage the skills I have to build a new home.
I will need to do some serious soul searching soon. I imagine wherever I land next there will be challenges. My challenge will be learning the difference between those dynamics I can change over time, and those that might change me in ways I am not prepared to suffer. To date, I think I have defaulted to the latter concern too often. Perhaps it is time to stay, to fight fairly, to be willing to be forgiven and to forgive, and not to forget my goal. My goal to leave this world a better place than I found it. I have a lot to think about.
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