Thirteen Short Conversations About Nothing

Hastily assembled, somewhat plagiarized, poorly constructed........

1) On being liberal or conservative - I am fortunate to have been formed by conservatives and forgiven by liberals. Embarrassed to vote Democrat, ashamed to vote Republican.

2) On being Catholic once (sort of) - I remember fighting with priests as a boy, convincing myself I was an atheist. Later, after meeting Father Bill Talentino in Virginia who was doing social just work, and a dozen or so other priests working in poor missions in third world countries, I lamented my diversion from spirituality and began to build the real foundation of my faith. I am not Catholic, but I am connected.

3) On leadership - It is all about the separation of my ego. Divorcing what is in my interest from that which benefits others, then leveraging the residual grit, stubbornness, and courage to fight the right battles. 

4) On friends - Few and far between, forever forgiven, forever familiar.

5) On alcohol and drugs - The epitome of our collective selfishness. The distillation of evil deemed disease to ease our guilt and to look past crime, child abuse, and despair. 

6) On change - There are two kinds of new people who "cause" trouble in a system: Those who bring it in and those who expose it once they arrive. 

7) On wisdom - The ability to recognize the value in things.

8) On serendipity - Like looking for a needle in a haystack and finding the farmer's daughter (Penthouse Magazine, circa 1970's).

9) On Misters Rauner and Trump - Bullies and sissy boys.

10) On Hillary Clinton - I once thought the evil press only published pictures of her frowning. Now I don't think I like that which lies underneath the frown.

11) On honesty - Too often confused with solipsistic convenience.

12) On aging - Ear hair grows faster than my IRA; I wake up with pains with no recollected attributable causes; I care far less for money and I find less things I want to waste said money on; and the notion of passing away before I change the world scares the heck out of me.

13) On love - I pray for reincarnation.............

Ramadan Night 14 - A Second Entry

I have been fascinated with this sura detailing the "companions of the cave" since a taxi driver in Jordan showed me one of the suggested sites for the caves just outside of Amman. I couldn't wait another day to get to it.  I am still working on the story, trying to understand its full significance, so if any of you would like to help, please comment :)

And what is there

To keep back men

From believing, now that

Guidance has come to them,

Nor from praying for forgiveness

From their Lord but that

(They wait for) the ways

Of the ancients to overtake

Them, or the Wrath

He brought to them

Face to face?

S.18 A. 55 

This is a pertinent, direct reminder for me to do two things:  1) As I progress as a Muslim, I need to be careful that I don't grow so comfortable that I start to corrupt myself by letting back in some of those old ways of thinking or behaviors, creating an attenuated soul, and 2) That I do not wait on issues, stall my development thinking I am ok, or that I have achieved enough, as I do not know when I will be brought Face to face.

I walk in two worlds now, the old domain I know so well, and this new place as a Muslim often alone.  When stressed or sometimes when I am too comfortable, I find myself reverting to things I thought I had vanquished.  These things are tolerated in my old world, making it that more easy and tempting to slip back.  Despite this convenience, I have to remind myself that although I can temporarily rejoin this old world when I wish, I am a Muslim, and I am being observed.  I don't carry the entire weight of my faith on my shoulders, but I am determined to showcase what I am becoming, what I am destined to be.

Face to face - that is daunting!  There are days when I think I will need three hundred and nine years to get to a place where I will be worthy of paradise. There is not a day when I don't reevaluate my actions and my thoughts.  Today, for instance, I was doubly determined not to slip, as I have some difficult things to deal with, and there would be a lot of stress at work.  I was amazed not that I resisted several thoughts, many comments, it was the fact that they were so many to deal with.  It was a good lesson for me, that I need to be vigilant minute by minute - for it is easy when I pray, or when I sit in bed reading the Koran, or when I am writing in this blog, a different story back in my old world. 

Tomorrow, I will again be on my guard watching my thoughts and actions.  The day after tomorrow, the same.  This is my path until I change and eradicate many of these thoughts and temptations.  I don't mind, I have faith that one day I will be recognized as a Muslim before I have to declare it.

Back to Zero

Back to zero - Kuhn's paradigm effect - an alcoholic's legacy. Back to zero conjures a lot of possiblity, as well as a great deal of angst. Imagine the ability to start over again: promising if you have made mistakes, threatening if you have built something over time.
I learned about the concept of back to zero the hard way. Living in an alcoholic, dysfunctional household, this was our mantra. No matter what happened the night before, we could not discuss it the next day. It had to be ignored. The broken chair, the baked potato smeared all over the kitchen wall, my bleeding lip, anything created in the melee of the previous evening was untouchable, verboten. Don't mistake this for forgiveness, for that is a process - this was just a mechanism to push a broken family through the next day, day after day.
But something about that distorted reality has stuck with me. I find myself willing to let things go very rapidly. I won't forget them, but if the dynamic ceases, I will let go of the negative feelings they engendered. Some of you who know me might pause here and protest, but I would reassert that if a transgression is not repeated, I will get over it. If it occurs over and over again, I will not ignore it. The past isn't the past until it is over. There are times when a certain context reminds me of old injury, and I will discuss it, but without the pain and bitterness of the original event. This has served me well, as I have had my share of battles, and have reconciled many of them to mutual benefit. I truly do not want an ongoing war with anyone. I don't have the energy.
The second connotation of the phrase back to zero is also very pertinent to me. Thomas Kuhn said that when a paradigm shifts, everyone goes back to zero, i.e., expertise, knowledge, power all disappear and everyone is on equal footing. Pretty easy to see why many people do not like change. I attended more than fifteen schools before I graduated from high school - back to zero was my way of life. I learned early on that I could attempt to reinvent myself, after all, no one knew me at these new schools. However, not having made any substantive changes, my true self always emerged, even on short stops. I did learn instead how to establish myself in new settings, a skill that has served me well in my consulting career.
Finally, back to zero taught me to develop enduring, flexible skills, not just a static knowledge set. The world has changed so dramatically around me - the list of technology developed in the past thirty years alone is staggering. I couldn't imagine putting up walls around myself or my intellect and trying to keep the world at bay. Subsequently, I have loved each age I have lived, and there have been many, and there will be many more. The world will keep changing, and I will change with it - One positive legacy of the alcoholic anomie of my youth.