Ramadan Night 23 - The Fourteenth Entry

By degrees shall We
Teach thee

(The message), so thou

Shalt not forget.
S.87 A.6

I am learning in degrees, and God has been very patient with me.  I should know so much more than I do, understood things much more clearly than I have, and prayed with much more diligence than I seem to have mustered. Yet God, and my brothers and sisters, have been very patient with me.  I have never been judged for a misstep during prayer, quizzed unfaithfully by a zealot, or viewed suspiciously as I entered a mosque. I like to think that a Muslim can look straight into my heart - and though that vision might produce a kind chuckle, the result is a warm embrace and tolerant support for my tardy development.  I love my faith and the perserverence of my Muslim family.  God is patient as He is generous.

Ramadan Night 15 - The Third Entry

Man is a creature of haste:
Soon (enough) will I show
You My Signs; So
Ask Me not
To hasten them!
They say: "When will this
Promise come to pass,
If you are telling the truth?"

S.21 A.37-38

I just realized that I am halfway through the Koran, page-wise anyway.  I am determined to finish it this Ramadan, but to do it correctly,  reading it all, thinking, processing and reacting to things here.  I appreciate the feedback I am getting, supporting and challenging my thoughts, it has been a nice bonus to this journey.

I was pleased to see that it just wasn't just me who is prone to haste. Seriously though, I think haste has not been my problem since I converted, I think it has been the opposite. I haven't prayed as I should, nor did I read the Koran as I would have liked to. Now I am using this month to get on a track, to reestablish myself responsibly.  I know I will pray as I should, and I am truly enjoying reading my Koran, that I know that will continue as well. I am still not in a hurry though, not wishing for my reward too soon.  I have a lot of work to do, and I am seeing some slow development.  

I guess I am still in the stages where I have to earn the right to ask God for His grace, forgiveness, and rewards, and I don't mind.  I am not focusing my efforts in order to have God help me with my trials and issues, I know I have to be patient on those. It is the time of my life where I am mature enough to honestly take stock of where I am and to commit to a responsible course.   I have reasonable expectations for the changes I am making, and I am feeling better about my faith daily.  For now, that is enough.    

*Epilogue - today was the second consecutive day that I overtly watched my behavior, attitude, and comments.  It has been interesting - today alone, I left four or five "invitations" to entertain gossip in mid air.  I suppressed several urges to ask questions about the plight of a few people who have irritated me, and I gently refused to team up with a few others to work against a difficult colleague.  How miserable I must have been when I was attending to these things, the world seems so full of them.  I am very happy with the day.

Ramadan Night 13 - A Second Entry

And do thou be patient
For thy patience is but with the help
From Allah; nor grieve over them:
And distress not thyself
Because of their plots.
For Allah is with those
Who restrain themselves,
And those who do good.
S.16 A. 127-128

It is Ramadan, and I did not want to leave things as I did in my last post.  My issues are still here, and I want to deal with them directly, as God would allow.  If you are reading this, please remember that some of these posts are what I am feeling at a moment, or have felt before.  I am trying to lay myself completely open for the first time in my life. It is not very attractive, but it is a picture of a man trying to redeem himself, trying to live his faith, and to serve others.  There will be ups and downs :)

This passage gave me some comfort.   

I know this is a time for patience for me, and that usually occurs precisely when I don't want to be.  I am facing some challenges I have no control over, challenges being driven and directed by others - "And distress not thyself because of their plots."  It is hard not to worry about the plots of others, knowing the damage they can do.  I am sure this verse counsels me to be strong as Allah is with me if I am patient and I am good.  I am also sure this means that no matter what follows, Allah will help me cope, help me to deal with the issue with integrity, but He will not steer the storm away from me.  This is a challenge to my faith - mentally, I am attracted to a God that would under gird my strength, not keep me from my trials; emotionally, I would like to be spared the experience. So I will get what I need, and I must have faith that God will be with me. Being willing to be patient through the process is the matter that tests me, having doubts about my strength is the matter that shames me.

I do feel better tonight as I read this, better while knowing there is more to come, more to cope with. I am ready to do something I have never done before, give my fate and the struggles that follow to my patient God, and to trust that He will guide me through.  I am ready.

Ramadan Night 6

And obey Allah and His Messenger;
And fall into no disputes,
Lest ye lose heart
And your power depart;
And be patient and persevering:
For Allah is with those
Who patiently persevere
S.8 A.46

This is a very important verse for me, as I dispels some misconceptions and brings home a very singular lesson for me. Islam is not a violent, contentious religion. I knew this living in the Muslim world for so many years.  I saw few arguments, no fights, and some of the gentlest fathers I have ever known.  It is a faith that is grounded inside your heart, therefore cannot entreat violence and hatred.  If one in every thousand Muslims was a militant with hate in his/her heart, there would be more than a million of these people to contend with. We know that just isn't the case. 

The Good Fight is an internal one.  There are times, however, when one must defend himself, his family, his faith.  Like all religions born in brutal times, there is always an emphasis on protecting oneself, an emphasis on the specific behavior of conflict. But I have never read in my Koran, or heard from the lips of my hundreds of  Muslim friends, any call to combat, any senseless appeal to violence.  I have heard and seen, more importantly, quiet lives lived with dignity and respect.  I really don't understand these pundits here in the states who so definitively call out Muslims as terrorists, doubting they know many Muslims at all.  There has never been anything in what I have read, heard, or witnessed that would inspire me to take an innocent life, or any life for that matter.

The second implication of this verse was written specifically for me I think.  I am prone to dispute, to fight, and to struggle - a legacy from my youth.  I don't even conceptualize it as a bad thing, sometimes it just feels right to struggle over things, to test the will of others.  Ironically, at least for the media gadflies, Islam councils me to put aside these behaviors, these detractors of my strength.  It is an important lesson for me, as I have been a advocate for others for so long, sometimes literally in the midst of battles.  I fought my step-father physically for the welfare of my mother and sister, when all other means failed.  I have seen people brutalized and neglected around the world, and my outrage is not a personal allowance, but genuinely felt for others.  Often, I am far more willing to suffer insults and injury to myself than others, even strangers. But I am often wrong in this, and it is a difficult lesson to learn.  That passion, that empathy burns in my blood, sanctified, so I believed, in the welfare of others.  I know now that this is largely wrong.

There are other ways to advocate, other ways to ameliorate the wrong I see around me.  It is about my power, my ability to affect positive change, without damaging others, and more importantly, damaging myself.  For each battle I fight diminishes me, makes me a lesser man, corrupts my heart.  I want to exercise positive power in the world, and I want to do so while abating my list of enemies, surely not doubling it.  This is a good verse for me, a very good verse.