Ramadan Night 26

When comes the help
Of God, and victory,

And thou does see

The people enter God's religion
In crowds,
Celebrate the praises
Of thy Lord, and pray
For His forgiveness:
For He is oft-returning

(In grace and mercy).

S.110 A.1-3

I started reading the Koran more than three weeks ago, focusing on very specific issues related to my thoughts and actions.  Now, as I am nearing the last suras, I am thinking more broadly, more comfortable to think about larger concepts like heaven and my final judgement.  Reading through the Koran has been a good exercise for me, as it has allowed me to put my spiritual life in perspective.  I have been challenged to look at many things differently, all of them related to my development.  Knowing what I need to do from moment to moment, day to day, year to year has made me far more comfortable and confident.  As I continue to study and pray, the concept of heaven becomes more and more real, and I think about it more.  Years ago, the thought of an afterlife had no appeal to me, now it is becoming a logical motivator for me, a logical extension of my faith.

Ramadan Night 24 - The Eleventh Entry

Their reward is with God:
Gardens of eternity,
Beneath which rivers flow;
They will dwell therein
For ever; God well pleased
With them, and they with Him:
All this for such as
Fear their Lord and Cherisher.

S.98 A.8

The more I read, the more I pray, the more I examine my heart as a Muslim, the more I begin to understand the appeal of heaven. I truly believe my poor self-esteem made me reject the notion of heaven as I did not feel I would ever be deserving.  That turned into some sort of self-righteous indignation about the exclusivity of the after-life, and I spiraled down from there. But now a new feeling is rising.  I recognize that which I read in this holy book as what I am beginning to feel in my heart.  Heaven will not be a reward I do not deserve, but a logical continuation of the progress I am making in my heart.  I want my heart to reflect the beauty of heaven, and I pray I have enough time to make it so.

Ramadan Night 24

Other faces that day
Will be joyful,
Pleased with their striving,
In a garden on high,
Where they shall hear
No (word) of vanity
Therein will be
A bubbling spring
Therein will be thrones
(Of dignity), raised on high,
Goblets placed (ready),
And cushions set in rows,
And rich carpets
(All) spread out.

S.88 A.8-16

This is such a reassuring and inspiring verse. It touches me at three different levels: I love the imagery of heaven; I am motivated by the concept of "striving" rather than "toiling"; and am admonished once again to embrace dignity and to resist vanity.  Everything in this passage reminds me of what I am preparing for, not what I am waiting for - I am not passing time on earth in order to get to heaven, I am making myself worthy. Everything I practice here makes my world a better place, brings me closer to the souls of others.  This goodness I develop in my heart resonates in heaven; as I navigate my days with God's guidance I feel His grace, and at night my mind rests in His garden. He has placed enough of heaven in my heart for me to embrace the journey.

Ramadan Night 23 - The Seventh Entry

Each of them,
That day, will have
Enough concern (of his own)
To make him indifferent
To the others.
S.80 A.37

This has always been a very difficult concept for me, potentially the greatest obstacle to my faith - the eventual separation of my family and God.  Perhaps I am not yet at the point where my self-esteem accepts the purity of God's love, and I don't yet know the difference between the comfort and support of my family and the eternal embrace of God's grace.  I do know that I am still in that immature state of my faith where I cannot understand how I could deserve heaven and others, particularly those I love, could earn hell. And finally, probably unforgiveably, I am not yet at the place where I would choose to be in heaven if my daughters had been sent to hell.  I know this is twisted thinking, and I am working contritely to correct my concept of this dilemma - but this is not a battle of logic, it is an issue of faith.  I will pray that God increases my faith so that I can understand my unique and personal relationship with Him, and I accept no other responsibility than that of my own fate. 

Ramadan Night 19 - The Third Entry

Lord of the heavens

And of the earth,

And all between them,

And Lord of every point

At the rising sun!

We have indeed decked

The lower heaven with beauty

(In) the stars

S.37 A.5-6

This yet another beautiful allusion to the glory of God manifested in nature.  How wondrous are the stars, and the God that created them?  The expanse and majesty of space humbles me, even more so than the beauty of the earth around me.  I was also struck by the concept of "lower heaven", a term I was unfamiliar with. I makes me wonder if heaven isn't a remote place, hidden from us, denied to many of us, but an extension of God's mansion.  The earth, the sky, the heavens, heaven are all aspects of His domain. The word of God shows us the connection of all things, the unity of the universe.  It is very humbling indeed. 

Ramadan Night 18 - The Third Entry

Now no person knows
What delights of the eye
Are kept hidden (in reserve)
For them - as a reward
For their (good) deeds.

S.32 A. 17

This verse challenges me again to think about my afterlife, something I am never comfortable contemplating. I don't worry about hell per se, it's just that the appeal of heaven has never resonated with me, perhaps as it was always presented to me as an extension of earthly pleasures, earthly desires. I guess I thought if I wanted those things badly enough, I would pursue and achieve them now in this life.  I know this is my own distortion, but it was all that I had.

The path to heaven intrigued me far more than did the destination - I always wanted to be a better man, to help others, to make the world a better place, but on my own terms.  Subsequently , my path has not been true, and the issue of heaven may have been mute all along.  But now I am realigning myself with a different set of rules, and I am confident my path will improve.  So confident in fact, I am at last willing to consider completing the journey successfully, willing to let myself do so.

When I read this verse now, I see the metaphor I had missed before. The delights of the eye that are hidden are the rewards of heaven that would make no sense to my earthly, flawed and imperfect form.  It never struck me that my soul might require different nourishment.  This makes so much more sense to me.  In this life, I can nurture the good and decent motives I have to serve others, knowing that my soul will be rewarded in the next. Amazing what five lines can do, if you open your heart and mind.

    

Ramadan Night 11

Those who believe, and whose hearts
Find satisfaction in the remembrance
Of Allah: for without doubt
In the remembrance of Allah
Do hearts find satisfaction.

For those who believe

And work righteousness,
Is (every) blessedness,
And a beautiful place

Of (final) return.

S.13 A.28-29

This verse reminds me that I think I am backwards on many things. I don't fret about an afterlife, as a matter of fact, I rarely think about it.  It is not the motivating factor in my faith - living a good and honest life is.  This is enough for me to focus on, and it takes up a good part of my time.  Evaluating my thoughts in order to change them is my current vocation, and I have much left to do yet.  "Do hearts find satisfaction" concerns me now, knowing that which will make my heart satisfied is what will make me a better man, a better Muslim.  I have reached an important milestone - knowing what will truly make my heart satisfied - I am on my way.

And I do want a beautiful place of return at the end of my life.  I have just been careful to make sure the improvements I am making are for the right reasons, not simply a free pass to heaven (knowing full well that doesn't work anyway).  It takes quite a bit of thinking to stay ahead of myself, to make sure I am not rationalizing or intellectualizing the wrong things.  Perhaps that is why I keep coming back to many of the same themes in these posts, as they reflect the constant struggle I am waging.  I don't think the struggle will end either, for every little bit of progress reminds me of how much further I can go, how much better I can be.  So no, I am not worried about heaven right now, I am concentrating on my next few steps.