Ghosts

I am not sure they are ghosts, it may be that they were never even real.  I carry them around though, and they visit me periodically, mostly in dreams, sometimes at random moments throughout the day. Some carry pain, some regret, and some just remind me of the vast emptiness inside me. Often, I can stay ahead of them, working hard and pressing forward into new challenges.  It is only when I stop and rest that they catch up.
I don't want to tote these images around anymore. I want to leave them here next month when I move on to the next segment of my life.  I need to leave them here. Images from my distant and recent past, reminders of failures and pain that reconstitute themselves perfectly with each apparition. Time doesn't seem to weaken them, and sometimes I am not sure what is worse, suffering from a visit, or secretly missing them. I imagine it is like a drug habit - wanting to remember, to either fix or repair the damage, or just to languish in the few good moments associated with them, knowing that afterward I will feel worse, either way.
Perhaps if they weren't here, I would have no more excuses to focus on and I would be free to forge my future. I have never felt I have been at such a threshold before, not like I do now. I always felt I was just moving forward in a aimless fugue, aware of only what was directly in front of me. Perhaps I don't have the courage to face a future independent of the damage and excuses of my past.  I do sense this is my last good chance to do so, and I need to jettison some things once and for all - ghosts and excuses.