I never equated the moon or moonlight to romance when I was younger. It wasn't until I heard the Neville Brother's Yellow Moon that I equated it to heartbreak (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PTJyExd4dmw). There is a full moon tonight and I am not sure what to make of it. I guess there are times you can choose to be lonely or sad or heartbroken or even happy as you gaze upon it. Maybe you only look at it in one particular state, ignoring it in other conditions? I wonder if the moon looks different with those options. Tonight, when I eventually leave work I will look at that moon, maybe from those various lenses. I wonder if the moon minds how you look at it, what you do with the gift it shares of the sun's reflection?
It wouldn't be hard for me to take a lonely look at the moon as I drive home towards it. I am going "home" to an empty apartment with an emptier refrigerator, a big screen tv I don't watch much, and a lot of unfolded laundry that needs to be put away. The most complex task I will have is matching my socks, which taxes me even on my most buoyant days. So yes, the moon can be lonely tonight if for no other reason than its strong, singular presence in the sky; by itself stealing its strength vicariously from the sun - this isolation resonates comfortably with me, as the soft muted light cascades gently over my shoulder.
I can imagine the moon as a sad thing too; not for its loneliness but for its beauty. I have known several beautiful and sad people in my life. I think when you are beautiful (no direct knowledge here) you know how to give to others, but maybe not how to understand or accept their adoration or praise. A million years ago, I adored a beautiful woman and I could do nothing but bring her sadness eventually. I tried to pour everything I had into her, for her, never able to conjure the actions or words to rival her loveliness. It was a doomed proposition from the start. I suppose we try to possess beauty not knowing how to share it - no quid pro quo when you aren't beautiful. Love seldom coalesces in such imbalance. So a sad moon I think, giving and never being loved. What could I offer the moon tonight in exchange for its satiny luminescence?
I don't think the moon is heartbroken, but I do think it bears solitary witness to a million broken hearts as it traverses the heavy-hearted hemispheres relentlessly illuminating the pain that should remain nestled in the darkness. I will stop tonight before I get to my truck, turn and catch a glimpse of the moon sliding through the trees, its filaments landing here and there softly contrasting and etching a sleeping landscape. And it is in that instant when darkness is splintered by oblique light that I feel the scar tissue in my own heart - realizing that somewhere, continents away, she is sleeping and that same moon playing with my path is filtering through a bedroom blind and caressing the catenary of her cheek, that place I once stroked tenderly with the softest part of my folded index finger long before the birth of planets and stars and imprudent satellites.
There is happiness too, to be found in the playful, refracted cordiality of the sun. The merciful protraction and addendum to the day hearkens to the romance in our hearts - to finish in the night the dreams and dared visions left unattended in the day given one more breath of life in the forgiving bath of twilight. It is a time to stroll and suffer the pleasantries of our hidden passions, the moon a silent and strong surrogate for our guilt and nagging obligations. She could walk under a beckoning moon with anyone, anywhere and be happy - I understand and appreciate that now. Moonlight is like that, unbiased and unavowed; a place to be free and blessed with the promise of a coming day.
I will leave in a few minutes, smiling, wondering what will greet me when I step out into the night, into the patient moonlight that knows I am coming. I will stand in the middle of the parking lot and turn back to the cresting moon with my eyes closed, waiting for the pleasure of its temperament.
Niether the moon nor you are lonely. The moon has billions of stars around, sharing the same sky and romantic light, and you my dear friend, have many people who care and put you first. you just have to reach out and see how many people are willing to give back a little of what you have already given, and this little is so much because you have given so much too. If you look closely, you can see that every month or so, there is one star that appears so close to the moon. When i was a child i used to wait to see them next to each other and as my cousins and lay down on the roof of our home in the countryside, they both appear shinier and happier with each other. Your star is there, just search for it. Wish you all the happiness in the world
ReplyDeletebeautiful
ReplyDeleteNo quid pro quo when you aren't beautiful? I think your inner beauty deserves your acknowlegment. Please don't be too hard on yourself, and don't let life change the beautiful person you are.
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