The Rest of My Life

I am at that stage in my life where I have turned some corner and retirement and/or death are placed before my headlights at every turn.  I  have a few friends who have retired, I have far too many who have died.  I have suddenly become old, no longer the youngest and the brightest in the room, and on occasion, reminded that I am too old for some posts and positions.  I am admonished to take medical tests right now, for if I don't live to be eighty-five, it will be at this stage I am likely to die.  Life and I are at an awkward disjuncture right now, and I am fighting an uphill battle.
It is an uphill battle precisely because I want it so!  I am not ready to slide downhill into anything.  I don't want to go on cruises, take trips to see things, or to drift comfortably off into the sunset. The other day I was honored by my high school with what a friend labeled as a "career capping" achievement.  I saw it differently -  I am just now peaking, cresting as it were.  Things are coming together, my skills have developed, my knowledge increased, my patience established, and most importantly, my focus sharpened for the first time on a future directed to the service of others with calculated efficacy and effect. So if it is one year or twenty-five, it is forward and it is mine.
I think about the various stages of my life, how I never was caught up to the circumstances and the context of my environment - I always recognized those who were, those who easily navigated these realms that I struggled against and sometime fought.  I envied them partially, but knew there was a price for that knowledge that I wasn't ready to pay.  God had granted me tremendous gifts, and I squandered a bit surviving these stages, these transitions.  I also gathered things through these journeys that are just now coming to fruition - empathy, a broader perspective on the world, a sense of ethics centered on others, strength that has evolved past ego and hubris to humility, a consistent malaise for things material, and the deepest desire to help those less fortunate chase their educational dreams.  I may have missed many opportunities, but I am leveraged to take that which has survived in me and to utilize the tools I have for as long as I have. There will be no retirement.
I have just emerged from my latest stage, a six year cloud that has dampened much of the world around me in a beautiful but false dream.  It did take me places though, and as always, I accumulated experiences and contacts almost accidentally that have allowed me to make modest but significant contributions. Most of all, this half dozen years has taught me that if I am focused and not distracted on my world, my work, my impact can be so much brighter, so much more substantial.  This heartens me, gives me so much hope and promise.  I want to maximize every minute, every effort, every thought.  Perhaps I will spend the next two decades here in the States working with at-risk students while making the occasional jaunt to the Middle East to work with teachers there - perhaps I will find myself back in the Third World sooner, working in a humble environment giving every ounce of myself to people who deserve so much more, driving me to work harder, to find new thresholds of my energy and passion.  Whatever my situation, I will find myself in the right place finally tuned in, finally at peace.
*I was asked recently in a job interview what I did to maintain balance.  My response began with "balance smalance!"  - I am betting that won't be my next job :)