The Prophet said, "Whoever has the following four (characteristics) will be a pure hypocrite and whoever has one of the following four characteristics will have one characteristic of hypocrisy unless and until he gives it up.
1. Whenever he is entrusted, he betrays.
2. Whenever he speaks, he tells a lie.
3. Whenever he makes a covenant, he proves treacherous.
4. Whenever he quarrels, he behaves in a very imprudent, evil and insulting manner."
Wow! A good friend had shared some interesting Hadith with me over Ramadan, and I decided to read some more tonight and started with this one, randomly I thought. Nicely, I had been thinking of writing a post today about trust, truth, motives, and conduct, but didn't like how it was coming together. I deleted it and decided to read a Hadith instead - now my thoughts are clearer, and most likely more honest. Before I read this though, I spoke to another friend who challenged me about the way I sometimes express myself, and I am therefore being much more careful to disaggregate ego from honesty. A lot to think about!
I fear this post will be long and it will be painful - painful not for me but for anyone who reads it, as it will contain a lot of ugliness, and the contrition I now feel reflects much that is unpleasant. Also, this will be an analysis without prescription or prognosis - I just want to arrest these awful afflictions in my heart, later to deal with their disposal.
1. Whenever he is entrusted, he betrays.
I have been very blessed lately, as I have been entrusted with the support of many new friends from Jordan, Morocco, Palestine, and Syria. Some are here as students, some on various faculty exchange programs, and some are still at home, corresponding with me via the Internet. It feels so good to be on the other end of this equation finally, the one who provides support and reassurance to someone who is alone and/or out of his/her element. And if the term "pay it forward" has any purchase, then I have accrued a great deal of compounded interest I need to account for. Ironically, I don't think they understand this when I try to defer their gratitude with my debt.
Many, but not all, of these friends are women who are younger than I, in the early stages of their careers. And although they can entrust me with their friendship and openness, this wasn't always the case. I have been teaching/advising/mentoring students for more than twenty-five years, and many of them have been women. From the beginning, I often noticed the conflicting attractions I felt - the need and satisfaction of helping them, and the haunting whisper of their goodness and vulnerability. I never offered my assistance based on a woman's physical attractiveness, but I was often aware of it, and on a few occasions, lost the perspective I was duty bound to maintain. Worse, I believe there were times when I took advantage of the desperate and near sided gratitude that mistook patience and kind assistance for empathy and love. Never with malice or ill-intent, sometimes even deceiving myself with notions of authentic affection, but certainly without any responsible concern for the depth of emotions I dabbled with. If nothing else though, I loathed the fact that my needs were ever more than philanthropic.
I don't have those inappropriate thoughts now, but the soft echo of those blurred lines still resonate faithfully. And deep down, there is a small piece of me that knows not its age, nor its absurdity, and if set free, could still embarrass me and betray the trust I now hold so dear.
2. Whenever he speaks, he tells a lie.
I am honest, yet I lie. I have conquered the hubris and insecurity that drove me to produce exaggeration, extrapolation, and equivocation. I do not lie for advantage, evasion, or elation. When I speak, the direction I take is true and constant, yet I lie. I lie in that I often do not speak about that which I should. I don't address emotions or issues that trouble me, and instead, redirect my dialogue and environment away from the place where I cannot tolerate honesty. I am articulate enough, persistent enough, and stubborn enough to prevail in this enterprise consistently, probably deluding myself with the notion that no one notices. More likely darkly aware that no one cares.
3. Whenever he makes a covenant, he proves treacherous.
I don't break many covenants, but I have broken one recently that has haunted me. When I made it, I knew it was the most important of my life, would be the hardest to keep, and would define me as a ethical man. It was to be a noble covenant, one few men could guarantee. Yet I broke it with the pathetic guise of a larger, more virtuous trust. In my cowardice, I could not face my failure honestly, and created a lie that convinced neither me nor the beautiful soul I had embraced, promised, and betrayed. And instead of the enduring respect I longed to salvage from the lost relationship, I settled for the unceremonious dismount of my "high horse." Poetic justice.
4. Whenever he quarrels, he behaves in a very imprudent, evil and insulting manner.
I think when I quarrel, I believe I am at my most honest, yet secretly know I am not. I manage my passion with logic and restraint, lying in wait for my adversary to lose her composure, then deftly ignoring the context, and belittle or humiliate the emotional reaction. I also tend to try to set the tone and conditions of the argument, not understanding or respecting an alternative, no matter how genuinely presented. By doing so, I believe I am increasing the likelihood that I will prevail, forgetting that doing so is precisely the reason I will lose the relationship I want to maintain over the very exercise I pretend that will strengthen it. When I argue, I profess equanimity and composure but I expose a brute and a bully. I cannot now imagine why anyone would engage in such a slanted and dishonest process with me.
I believe I should read a Hadith and challenge myself to find the truth and applicability within. Moreover, it would be very vain of me to pass over one lightly, imagining that the potential negativity applied elsewhere. If there are warnings and admonitions, they are not intended for the ignorant in iniquity or the majority that make me an anomaly - they were written for me, and only me. I will reread what I have written here, without self-pity or remorse, and I will make plans. There are weaknesses, there are sins, then there is the special obscenity of hypocrisy - a sin that breeds atop another sin. This is simply a comeuppance that will hopefully preclude the permanence of a portent I cannot afford.
1. Whenever he is entrusted, he betrays.
2. Whenever he speaks, he tells a lie.
3. Whenever he makes a covenant, he proves treacherous.
4. Whenever he quarrels, he behaves in a very imprudent, evil and insulting manner."
Wow! A good friend had shared some interesting Hadith with me over Ramadan, and I decided to read some more tonight and started with this one, randomly I thought. Nicely, I had been thinking of writing a post today about trust, truth, motives, and conduct, but didn't like how it was coming together. I deleted it and decided to read a Hadith instead - now my thoughts are clearer, and most likely more honest. Before I read this though, I spoke to another friend who challenged me about the way I sometimes express myself, and I am therefore being much more careful to disaggregate ego from honesty. A lot to think about!
I fear this post will be long and it will be painful - painful not for me but for anyone who reads it, as it will contain a lot of ugliness, and the contrition I now feel reflects much that is unpleasant. Also, this will be an analysis without prescription or prognosis - I just want to arrest these awful afflictions in my heart, later to deal with their disposal.
1. Whenever he is entrusted, he betrays.
I have been very blessed lately, as I have been entrusted with the support of many new friends from Jordan, Morocco, Palestine, and Syria. Some are here as students, some on various faculty exchange programs, and some are still at home, corresponding with me via the Internet. It feels so good to be on the other end of this equation finally, the one who provides support and reassurance to someone who is alone and/or out of his/her element. And if the term "pay it forward" has any purchase, then I have accrued a great deal of compounded interest I need to account for. Ironically, I don't think they understand this when I try to defer their gratitude with my debt.
Many, but not all, of these friends are women who are younger than I, in the early stages of their careers. And although they can entrust me with their friendship and openness, this wasn't always the case. I have been teaching/advising/mentoring students for more than twenty-five years, and many of them have been women. From the beginning, I often noticed the conflicting attractions I felt - the need and satisfaction of helping them, and the haunting whisper of their goodness and vulnerability. I never offered my assistance based on a woman's physical attractiveness, but I was often aware of it, and on a few occasions, lost the perspective I was duty bound to maintain. Worse, I believe there were times when I took advantage of the desperate and near sided gratitude that mistook patience and kind assistance for empathy and love. Never with malice or ill-intent, sometimes even deceiving myself with notions of authentic affection, but certainly without any responsible concern for the depth of emotions I dabbled with. If nothing else though, I loathed the fact that my needs were ever more than philanthropic.
I don't have those inappropriate thoughts now, but the soft echo of those blurred lines still resonate faithfully. And deep down, there is a small piece of me that knows not its age, nor its absurdity, and if set free, could still embarrass me and betray the trust I now hold so dear.
2. Whenever he speaks, he tells a lie.
I am honest, yet I lie. I have conquered the hubris and insecurity that drove me to produce exaggeration, extrapolation, and equivocation. I do not lie for advantage, evasion, or elation. When I speak, the direction I take is true and constant, yet I lie. I lie in that I often do not speak about that which I should. I don't address emotions or issues that trouble me, and instead, redirect my dialogue and environment away from the place where I cannot tolerate honesty. I am articulate enough, persistent enough, and stubborn enough to prevail in this enterprise consistently, probably deluding myself with the notion that no one notices. More likely darkly aware that no one cares.
3. Whenever he makes a covenant, he proves treacherous.
I don't break many covenants, but I have broken one recently that has haunted me. When I made it, I knew it was the most important of my life, would be the hardest to keep, and would define me as a ethical man. It was to be a noble covenant, one few men could guarantee. Yet I broke it with the pathetic guise of a larger, more virtuous trust. In my cowardice, I could not face my failure honestly, and created a lie that convinced neither me nor the beautiful soul I had embraced, promised, and betrayed. And instead of the enduring respect I longed to salvage from the lost relationship, I settled for the unceremonious dismount of my "high horse." Poetic justice.
4. Whenever he quarrels, he behaves in a very imprudent, evil and insulting manner.
I think when I quarrel, I believe I am at my most honest, yet secretly know I am not. I manage my passion with logic and restraint, lying in wait for my adversary to lose her composure, then deftly ignoring the context, and belittle or humiliate the emotional reaction. I also tend to try to set the tone and conditions of the argument, not understanding or respecting an alternative, no matter how genuinely presented. By doing so, I believe I am increasing the likelihood that I will prevail, forgetting that doing so is precisely the reason I will lose the relationship I want to maintain over the very exercise I pretend that will strengthen it. When I argue, I profess equanimity and composure but I expose a brute and a bully. I cannot now imagine why anyone would engage in such a slanted and dishonest process with me.
I believe I should read a Hadith and challenge myself to find the truth and applicability within. Moreover, it would be very vain of me to pass over one lightly, imagining that the potential negativity applied elsewhere. If there are warnings and admonitions, they are not intended for the ignorant in iniquity or the majority that make me an anomaly - they were written for me, and only me. I will reread what I have written here, without self-pity or remorse, and I will make plans. There are weaknesses, there are sins, then there is the special obscenity of hypocrisy - a sin that breeds atop another sin. This is simply a comeuppance that will hopefully preclude the permanence of a portent I cannot afford.
No comments:
Post a Comment